Category Archives: I do it for the lulz

A Very Short List of Reasons Why Life is Unfair

1. The Chunnel does not actually look like the Deeprun Tram.

Alas, dear traveller, no. It is something more like twenty minutes of darkness, and then you’re in France. Which I suppose is something like a metaphor, though for what I’m not entirely sure.

Oh Christmas

R-Money (ain’t) IN DA HOUSE!

“Will The Real Mitt Romney Please Stand Up” by R-Money (feat Barack Obama)

…ah, so you’re a waffle man!

Tony stared down at the toaster. A piece of paper had been taped over the top, blocking the slots. Simple block printing stated: “I am a bad toaster and I am not allowed to toast anything until I’ve thought about what I’ve done.”
(ficlet in which The Toaster Gets A Severe Talking To)

…probably true.

“Sometimes I think the internet has yanked out my moral compass and repeatedly stamped on it with a stiletto heel.”
(…yet another brilliant piece of satire from the Daily Mash)

…once again, XKCD nails it.

Not Tilda Swinton

…for those of you who haven’t encountered @NotTildaSwinton Slate Article

Literary Rap

“The Elements of Style”

My name is Strunk 
And they call me White
Here to teach you how to put the pen down right
I see that your writing is a little bit wild
These are the Elements of Style.

Will Strunk in the house but don’t call me junior
Grammatical genius. Number one word groomer.
I teach English 8 at the school of Cornell
Choose your words carefully or I’ll put you through hell.

E.B. White on the mic, former student of Strunk
A story that flows is all I need to get crunk
Write for the New Yorker, papers marked up in scarlet
I spin webs with words like my name was Charlotte.

“In the last analysis”
That’s a bankrupt expression
It’s clear you’re not learning
So listen to my lesson.

Omit needless words. Good writing is concise
When I was in your class, you repeated that thrice
9 times out of 10 ‘student body’ is wrong
Say students instead. Move your story right along.

My name is Strunk 
And they call me White
Here to teach you how to put the pen down right
I see that your writing is a little bit wild
These are the Elements of Style.

Split infinitive
Never definitive 
Sounds unintelligent
Dumb and inelegant.
Just say it like you meant
Always write with intent
Each word precious 
Like Benjamins that you spent.

Do not join independent clauses with a comma.
But I love it, it’s cool. 
I don’t care if you wanna.

Jails and schools should not be called facilities.
I hate all these writers with second-rate abilities.
Don’t use dialect ‘less your ear be good
You cover East Harlem, but you ain’t from the hood.

Be clear brief bold with each story told
If it’s your goal to turn ink to gold.

My name is Strunk 
And they call me White
Now you know how to put the pen down right
When I read your work, you know I’m gonna smile
Those were the Elements of Style.

 

“Bitches in Bookshops”

Read so hard librarians tryin’ ta FINE me­,
They can’t identify me,
Checked in with a pseudonym, so I guess you can say I’m Mark Twaining. 
Read so hard, I’m not lazy.
Go on Goodreads, so much rated. 
Fountainhead, on my just read, gave it four stars, and then changed it. 
Read so hard, I’m literary. 
Goosebumps series, TOO SCARY!

Animal Farm, Jane Eyre
Barnes & Nobles, Foursquare it
No TV, I read instead 
Got lotsa Bills, but not bread
BURROUGHS , GOLDING, SHAKESPEARE — all dead

Read so hard, got paper cuts
On trains while you’re playin’ connect the dots 
All these blisters from turning pages 
Read so hard, I’m seeing spots 

Your Sudoku just can’t compare
Nor Angry Birds cos lookit here
My Little Birds is getting stares 
(pause)
This print’s rare.

Read so hard, I memorize, The Illiad… I know lines.
Watch me spit, classic lit, epic poems that don’t rhyme.
War and Peace, piece of cake, read Tolstoy in 3 days.
Straight through, no delays.
Didn’t miss a word. Not one phrase.

Read so hard librarians tryin’ ta fineee me – That shit cray x 3
Read so hard librarians tryin’ ta fineee me — That shit cray x 3

He said Shea can we get married at the Strand 
His Friday Reads are bad so he can’t have my hand 
You ball so hard, OK you’re bowling 
But I read so hard, I’m JK Rowling 

That shit cray 
Ain’t it, A? What you readin’?
AQ: DeMontaigne.
You use a Kindle? I carry spines. 
Supporting bookshops like a bra, Calvin Klein. 

Nerdy boy, he’s so slow 
Tuesday we started Foucault
He’s still stuck on the intro? He’s a no go.
It’s sad I had to kick him out my house though –
He Mispronounced an author – MARCEL PROUST 

Don’t read in the dark
I highlight with markers
While laying in the park
And wearing Warby Parkers
Marriage Plot broke my heart 
And it made me read Barthes 
I special ordered a 
A softcover not hard- HUAH?AHEHA?! 

Read so hard libraries tryin’ ta fine me x 2

I am now marking my place
Don’t wanna crease on my page
Don’t let me forget this page
Don’t let me forget this page
I may forget where I left off so I’ll use this little post it…
I hope it doesn’t fall out, I hope that it stays stickie… 

I am now marking my place
Don’t wanna crease on my page
Don’t let me forget this page
I got bookmarks at home
But I forgot one for the road
AQ: I got a bookmark I can loan
La Shea: Know how many bookmarks I own?

I am now bookmarking my page x3
Don’t let me forget this PAGE….

The Mighty Thor

…a prime example of “so bad it’s good but still so, so bad”
The Mighty Thor: Trapped by Loki/Vengeance of Loki/Defeat of Loki

rat: if Loki can make shit fly then how come he needs a carpet to fly
rat: why can’t he just fly
me: …good question
me: HE IS AFRAID TO LOOK DOWN

…so true.